I’m Trying To Remember

By Kelcie McKenney

Photo by Felipe Luiz

I’m trying to remember all of the bad things

So my heart stops hurting so damn much

The absence of you left this big gaping hole

A hole that keeps sucking, sucking, sucking parts of me away

Like I’ve misplaced too much of myself and I don’t know how to find it

Like parts of me are lost forever

Will that hole in my chest ever heal?

Or will my heart beat one beat off until the day I die?

Losing you was worse than I thought

That is why I’m trying to remember

Trying to remember why we ended it in the first place

Why we both knew it was time to say goodbye

I need to remember what I felt like when I thought you didn’t care

When you didn’t show interest in the little things that were important to me

When you scoffed at my problems, poked fun at my insecurities

When you couldn’t wrap your head around what I was feeling



Crying over

Afraid of

Longing for


I’m trying to remember that you didn’t get it

You didn’t get me

We were like two pieces of different puzzles that couldn’t fit together

Your edges hard, pointed, and jagged

Mine round, soft, and sensitive

We kept trying to put the pieces together

But instead I kept getting hurt


We did loved each other

I won’t deny that

But that’s what happens with first loves

And just because you love doesn’t mean it works

The moon may love the sun, but they’re both too different to ever match up

Instead they’re destined to chase each other around the earth

Both alone and longing for an ending that doesn’t exist

That’s why we ended it

We would have chased each other forever

Both one step out of rhythm


My soft edges would have reached for your sharp ends

And they wouldn’t have connected, not in the way a puzzle should

Our future would have been a jagged jumble

With missing pieces, overlapping edges and empty spaces

Our puzzle wouldn’t have been a pretty picture

Instead it would have been a mess

A graveyard of failed attempts and broken promises

And neither of us would have been happy


So I’m trying to remember

Trying to piece together what our future would have been

Because remembering means knowing the pain I feel now

Is nothing to what we would feel if we had not ended

We were so young

Too young to look that far into the future

We parted for a reason

So I’m trying to remember

I have to remember

Kelcie McKenney is a writer, editor, and artist who is passionate about feminism. She currently works as Digital Editor at The Pitch , where she writes and edits for Kansas City’s alternative magazine. You can find Kelcie watching internet cat videos, eating brunch, taking photos, and reading mystery novels.


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