By Shelby Faulkner
Art by Maddy Best

The definition of the word transgender has changed many times throughout my life. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “transgender” as a person whose gender identity is opposite to the sex identified at birth. But that’s not what it means to be trans—not really. Sometimes it means fear, self-hatred, and so many other unpleasant feelings. Sometimes it means learning that on the other side of anxiety and fear, you often find love and joy.

Although I didn’t have words for it at the time, I first started to realize I was trans around the 6th grade. Growing up in a small town I didn’t have a lot of exposure to queer people. In my town the word “gay” was used as an insult rather than an adjective—and in elementary school, kids used to ask if anyone wanted to play “smear the queer” as a recess game. Occasionally, the word “he-she” would get thrown around too. On Sundays, we would go to church, and sometimes they would preach about how homosexuals would burn in eternal hellfire because they were living in sin. Being trans means learning to hide.